T.C. Boyle Stories II: Volume II Page 19

  Twelve hours. That’s how long she lay there, unable to move, the fox snarling and writhing beneath her, its heartbeat joined to hers, its breathing, the eloquent movement of its fluids and juices and the workings of its demented little vulpine brain, until somebody—a neighbor—happened to glance beyond the hedge and the hump of the blistered old Jeep Wagoneer her late husband had left behind to see her there, stretched out in the gravel drive like a strip of discarded carpet. Yes. But what then? That was what had me stumped. I thought of going back and tracing her life up to that point, her girlhood in the Depression, her husband’s overseas adventures in the war, the son killed in Vietnam . . . or maybe just to let her sink into the background while I focused on the story of the community, the benighted neighbors and their rat-faced children, so that the trailer park itself became a character. . . .

  But, as I say, I woke with a headache, and when I did sit down at the computer, it wasn’t to call up Grandma Rivers and the imperfect dream of her life, but to click onto peephall.com and watch another sort of novel unfold before my eyes, one in which the plot was out of control and the details were selected and shaped only by the anonymous subscriber with his anonymous mouse. I went straight to Samantha’s bedroom, but her bed was empty save for the jumbled topography of pillows and bedclothes, and I stared numbly at the shadows thickening round the walls, at the limp form of the gown tossed over a chair, and checked my watch. It was ten-thirty. Breakfast, I thought. I clicked on “Kitchen,” but that wasn’t her staring into the newspaper with a cup of coffee clenched in one hand and a Power Bar in the other, nor was that her bent at the waist and peering into the refrigerator as if for enlightenment. I went to the living room, but it was empty, a dully flickering static space caught in the baleful gaze of my screen. Had she gone out already? To an early class maybe?

  But then I remembered she was taking only one class—“Intermediate Sketching,” paid for by the Web site operators, who were encouraging the Sexy Teen College Coeds actually to enroll so that all the voyeurs out there could live the fantasy of seeing them hitting the books in their thong bikinis and lacy push-up bras—and that the class met in the afternoon. She was getting paid too, incidentally—five hundred dollars a month, plus the rent-free accommodations at Peep Hall and a food allowance—and all for allowing the world to watch her live hot sexy young life through each scintillating minute of the over-inflated day, the orotund month and the full, round year. I thought of the girls who posed naked for the art classes back when I was an undergraduate (specifically, I thought of Nancy Beckers, short, black hair, balls of muscle in her calves and upper arms and a look in her eyes that made me want to strip to my socks and join her on the dais), and then I clicked on “Downstairs Bath,” and there she was.

  This wasn’t a hot sexy moment. Anything but. Samantha—my Samantha—was crouched over the toilet on her knees, the soles of her feet like single quotes around the swell of her buttocks, her hair spilling over the bright rim of the porcelain bowl. I couldn’t see her face, but I watched the back of her head jerk forward as each spasm racked her, and I couldn’t help playing the sound track in my mind, feeling sorrowful and guilty at the same time. Her feet—I felt sorry for her feet—and the long sudden shiver of her spine and even the dangling wet ends of her hair. I couldn’t watch this. I couldn’t. My finger was on the mouse—I took one more look, watched one last shudder ascend her spine and fan out across her shoulder blades, watched her head snap forward and her hair slide loose, and then I clicked off and left her to suffer in private.

  —

  A week rolled by, and I hardly noticed. I wasn’t sleeping well, wasn’t exercising, wasn’t sitting on the porch with a book in my hand and the world opening up around me like a bigger book. I was living the life of the screen, my bones gone hollow, my brain dead. I ate at my desk, microwave pizza and chili-cheese burritos, nachos, whiskey in a glass like a slow, sweet promise that was never fulfilled. My scalp itched. My eyes ached. But I don’t think I spent a waking moment outside work when I wasn’t stalking the rooms of Peep Hall, clicking from camera to camera in search of a new angle, a better one, the view that would reveal all. I watched Gina floss her teeth and Candi pluck fine translucent hairs from the mole at the corner of her mouth, sat there in the upstairs bath with Traci as she bleached her roots and shaved her legs, hung electrified over the deck as Cyndi perched naked on the railing with a bottle of vodka and a cigarette lighter, breathing fire into the gloom of the gathering night. Mainly, though, I watched Samantha. When she was home, I followed her from room to room, and when she picked up her purse and went out the door, I felt as if Peep Hall had lost its focus. It hurt me, and it was almost like a physical hurt, as if I’d been dealt an invisible blow.

  I was pulling into the drive one afternoon—it must have been a Monday or Wednesday, because I’d just worked lunch—when a rangy, tall woman in a pair of wraparound sunglasses came out of nowhere to block my way. She was wearing running shorts and a T-shirt that advertised some fund-raising event at the local elementary school, and she seemed to be out of breath or out of patience, as if she’d been chasing after me for miles. I was trying to place her as the gate slowly cranked open on its long balky chain to reveal the green depths of the yard beyond—she was someone I knew, or was expected to know. But before I could resolve the issue, she’d looped around the hood of the car and thrust her face in the open window, so close to me now I could see the fine hairs catching the light along the parabola of her jawbone and her shadowy eyes leaping at the lenses of her sunglasses. “I need you to sign this,” she said, shoving a clipboard at me.

  The gate hit the end of the chain with a clank that made the posts shudder. I just stared at her. “It’s me,” she said, removing the sunglasses to reveal two angry red welts on the bridge of her nose and a pair of impatient eyes, “Sarah. Sarah Schuster—your next-door neighbor?”

  I could smell the fumes of the car as it rumbled beneath me, quietly misfiring. “Oh, yeah,” I said, “sure,” and I attempted a smile.

  “You need to sign this,” she repeated.

  “What is it?”

  “A petition. To get rid of them. Because this is a residential neighborhood—this is a family neighborhood—and frankly Steve and I are outraged, just outraged, I mean, as if there isn’t enough of this sort of thing going on in town already—”

  “Get rid of who?” I said, but I already knew.

  I watched her face as she filled me in, the rolling eyes, the clamp and release of the long mortal jaws, moral outrage underscored by a heavy dose of irony, because she was an educated woman, after all, a liberal and a Democrat, but this was just—well, it was just too much.

  I didn’t need this. I didn’t want it. I wanted to be in my own house minding my own business. “All right, yeah,” I said, pushing the clipboard back at her, “but I’m real busy right now—can you come back later?”

  And then I was rolling up the driveway, the gate already rumbling shut behind me. I was agitated and annoyed—Sarah Schuster, who did she think she was?—and the first thing I did when I got in the house was pull the shades and turn on the computer. I checked Peep Hall to be sure Samantha was there—and she was, sunk into the couch in T-shirt and jeans, watching TV with Gina—and then I smoothed back my hair in the mirror and went out the front door. I looked both ways before swinging open the gate, wary of Sarah Schuster and her ilk, but aside from two kids on bikes at the far end of the block, the street was deserted.

  Still, I started off in the opposite direction from the big white house on the corner, then crossed the street and kept going—all the way up the next block over—so as to avoid any prying eyes. The sun was warm on my face, my arms were swinging, my feet knew just what to do—I was walking, actually walking through the neighborhood, and it felt good. I noticed things the view from the car window wouldn’t have revealed, little details, a tree in fruit here, a new flowerbed there, begonias blooming at t
he base of three pale silvery eucalypti at the side of a neighbor’s house, and all that would have been fine but for the fact that my heart seemed to be exploding in my chest. I saw myself ringing the doorbell, mounting the steps of the big white house and ringing the bell, but beyond that I couldn’t quite picture the scene. Would Samantha—or Traci or Candi or whoever—see me as just another one of the creeps she had to chat with online for two hours each week as part of her job description? Would she shut the door in my face? Invite me in for a beer?

  As it turned out, Cyndi answered the door. She was shorter than I’d imagined, and she was dressed in a red halter top and matching shorts, her feet bare and toenails painted blue—or aquamarine, I suppose you’d call it. I couldn’t help thinking of the way she looked without her clothes on, throwing back her head and spewing flames from her lips. “Hi,” I said, “I was looking for Samantha? You know, Jennifer,” I added, by way of assuring her I was on intimate terms here and not just some psychotic who’d managed to track them all down.

  She didn’t smile. Just gave me a look devoid of anything—love, hate, fear, interest, or even civility—turned her head away and shouted, “Sam! Sammy! It’s for you!”

  “Tell her it’s Hart,” I said, “she’ll know who—” but I broke off because I was talking to myself: the doorway was empty. I could hear the jabber and squawk of the TV and the thump of bass-heavy music from one of the upstairs bedrooms, then a whisper of voices in the hall.

  In the next moment a shadow fell across the plane of the open door, and Samantha slid into view, her face pale and tentative. “Oh,” she said, and I could hear the relief in her voice. “Oh, hi.”

  “I’ve got something to tell you,” I said, coming right out with it, “—bad news, I think. This woman just stopped me when I was pulling into the driveway—my next-door neighbor—and they’re circulating a petition.” I watched her eyebrows, her eyes, saw the glint of the rings on her right hand as she swept it through her hair. “But I didn’t sign. I blew her off.”

  She looked distracted, staring out over my shoulder as if she hadn’t heard me. “Louis warned us there might be trouble,” she said finally, “but it really isn’t fair. I mean, do I look like some kind of slut to you? Do I?”

  I wanted to make a speech, or at least a confession, and now was the time for it, now, but the best I could do was shake my head slowly and emphatically. Louis? Who was Louis?

  Her eyes were burning. I heard a blast of gunfire from the TV, and then the volume went dead. “I’m sorry, Hart,” Samantha said, lifting one bare foot from the floor to scratch the other with a long casual stroke of her instep, “but do you want to come in? You want a beer?”

  And then I was in, following the sweep of Samantha’s shoulders and hair and the sweet balsam scent of her into the living room I knew so well—and that was strange, surpassing strange, to know a place in its every apparent detail and yet never to have been there in the flesh. It was like a dream made concrete, a vision come to life. I felt like a character in a play, walking onto the set for the first time—and I was, I was. Don’t look at the camera, isn’t that what they tell you on TV? I glanced up, and there it was, staring me in the face. Gina stuck her head through the swinging door to the kitchen. “Hi,” she said, for form’s sake, and then she disappeared—out onto the deck, I supposed, to tan her hot sexy young limbs. I sat in the chair facing the dead TV screen and Samantha went out of the frame and into the kitchen for the beer, and I couldn’t help wondering how many hundreds of perverts went with her.

  She came back with two beers and sat opposite me, in the armchair facing “Living Room Cam 2,” and gave me a smile as she settled into the chair.

  I took a sip of beer, smiled back, and said, “Who’s Louis?”

  Samantha was sitting with one leg tucked under her, her back arched, the beer pinioned between her legs. “He’s one of the operators—of the site? He’s got something like thirty of them around the country, and he’s like—”

  “A cyber-pimp?” It was out before I could think.

  She frowned and looked down into the neck of the bottle a minute, then brought her head back up and flicked the hair out of her face. “I was going to say he’s like used to this sort of thing, people hassling him over zoning laws and sex-oriented businesses and all that, but really, I mean, what’s the big deal?”

  “I watch,” I said suddenly, looking directly into her eyes. “I watch you.”

  Her smile blossomed into a grin. “You do?”

  I held her eyes. I nodded.

  “Really? Well, that’s—that’s great. But you’ve never seen me do anything dirty, have you? Some of the girls get off on it, but I figure I’m just going to live, you know, and get my end out of it—it’s a good deal. I need the money. I like the money. And if I’m nude in the shower or when I’m changing clothes and all these guys are jerking off or whatever, I don’t care, that’s life, you know what I mean?”

  “You know when I like to watch you best? When you’re asleep. You look so—I don’t want to say angelic, but that’s part of it—you just look so peaceful, I guess, and I feel like I’m right there with you, watching over you.”

  She got up from the chair then and crossed the room to me. “That’s a sweet thing to say,” she said, and she set her beer down on the coffee table and settled into the couch beside me. “Really sweet,” she murmured, slipping an arm round my neck and bringing her face in for a close-up. Everything seemed transformed in that moment, every object in the room coming into sudden focus, and I saw her with a deep and revelatory clarity. I kissed her. Felt the soft flutter of her lips and tongue against mine and forgot all about Stefania, my ex-wife, Sarah Schuster and Grandma Rivers. I broke away and then kissed her again, and it was a long, slow, sweet, lingering kiss and she was rubbing my back and I had my hands on her hips, just dreaming and dreaming. “Do you want to—?” I breathed. “Can you—?”

  “Not here,” she said, and she looked right into the camera. “They don’t like it. They don’t even like this.”

  “All right,” I said, “all right,” and I looked up too, right into the glassy eye of Camera 1. “What do we do now?”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “Just hold me.”

  (1999)

  Going Down

  He started the book at two-fifteen on a Saturday afternoon in early December. There were other things he’d rather be doing—watching the Notre Dame game, for instance, or even listening to it on the radio—but that was freezing rain slashing down outside the window, predicted to turn to snow by nightfall, and the power had been out for over an hour. Barb was at the mall, indulging her shopping disorder, Buck was away at college in Plattsburgh, and the dog lay in an arthritic bundle on the carpet in the hall. He’d built a fire, checked the hurricane lamps for fuel and distributed them round the house, washed up the breakfast dishes by hand (the dishwasher was just an artifact now, like the refrigerator and the furnace), and then he’d gone into Buck’s room in search of reading material.

  His son’s room was another universe, an alien space contained within the walls of the larger, more familiar arena of the house he knew in all its smallest details, from the corroding faucet in the downstairs bathroom to the termite-riddled front porch and the balky light switch in the guest bedroom. Nobody had been in here since September, and the place smelled powerfully of mold—refrigerated mold. It was as cold as a meat locker, and why not? Why heat an unoccupied room? John felt for the light switch and actually flicked it twice, dumbfounded, before he realized it wasn’t working for the same reason the dishwasher wasn’t working. That was what he was doing in here in the first place, getting a book to read, because without power there was no TV, and without TV, there was no Notre Dame.

  He crossed the faintly glutinous carpet and cranked open the blinds; a bleak pale rinsed-out light seeped into the room. When he turned back round he was greeted by the nakedly a
mbitious faces of rap and rock stars leering from the walls and the collages of animals, cars and various body parts with which Buck had decorated the ceiling. One panel, just to the left of the now-useless overhead light, showed nothing but feet and toes (male, female, androgyne), and another, the paws of assorted familiar and exotic animals, including what seemed to be the hooked forefeet of a tree sloth. Buck’s absence was readily apparent—the heaps of soiled clothes were gone, presumably soiled now in Plattsburgh. In fact, the sole sartorial reminder of his son was a pair of mud-encrusted hiking boots set against the wall in the corner. Opposite them, in the far corner, a broken fly rod stood propped against the bed above a scattering of yellowed newspapers and the forlorn-looking cage where a hamster had lived out its days. The bed itself was like a slab in the morgue. And that was it: Buck was gone now, grown and gone, and it was a fact he’d just have to get used to.